Pretty sad when you realize your siblings still look upon your life with pity. Ouch.

I stopped taking medication in December - since the pharmacy switched me to generic in summer 2010, I've been on a long and unpleasant journey with my body - and am also feeling quite anemic. Consequently, I've been at the mercy of my quick temper and to fits of melancholy. This morning I was thinking of V and how the lens I view myself back then is one of humiliation. How hard I tried to keep us together, and how that failed since relationships are a two-way street.

Delta Spirit's California is both terrible and awesome. It's catchy but also a synthesis of the relationship we had together. I don't ever think V was that thoughtful or empathetic for my situation, but the lyrics really resonated with me, particularly the ones in bold. I had told V I would temp in Minneapolis, hang out until we could move to California together since I knew the university would grant the admission and scholarships to That PhD program. And since I lived in relative poverty as both student and minimum wage worker, it didn't seem like a huge ordeal to me. But this bothered V, now because I realize there was never a plan to go together. So perhaps the lyrics should be interpreted as some wiser, happier Future Me singing to my dumb, spring 2010 self.

I want you to move to California for yourself,
I want you to find whatever your heart needs,
I want you to move to California for yourself, but not for me.

I want you to go out there and find somebody else,
I want him to treat you like I know he should,
I want you to find somebody new for yourself, if not for me.

all of the feelings that I know you never felt, 
and all of the simple words you never said, 
I want you to keep them like a secret to yourself, they’re not for me. 

I want you to wander silent past my outstretched arms, 
I want you to hide yourself from all I see, 
and though my heart will fight until its dying breath, you’re not for me.

I digress. Anyway, I was charging my phone after JM and I went to the gym. I have a dozen or so WWF games going on right now and am an addict, so I went to check on my phone. Two text messages. Hmm. Both were from JP, an ever greater surprise, since we rarely speak anymore since he started law school. We saw each other about two months ago for a mutual friend's birthday but I assume he feels I am inappropriate for where he is in life. Also, he can drink a lot for an Asian - or anyone for that matter - but I still miss our friendship.

"V is wandering round Minny right now...called me outta the blue."

I was incensed. But JP told me he was in Portland so I wondered who V was left to call on. To some extent, I expected me; we spent 80% of our socializing together since everyone else was declared "too provincial." But I was also enraged: What are you doing in MY city? YOU left because you thought it was too small, too flat, too uninteresting, too unlike Seattle. The combination of JP reminding me of his negligence and V's intrusion

I texted CK and JS and they pretty much told me the same thing, the things that I know to be true; I am in a much better place. I have friends, I actively seek their time, and they mine. My relationship with JM is much healthier; we have our ups and down but we work through them. And I feel loved, versus having to do all the loving. And more importantly, that the day our relationship ends, I will be ok with it because I've been able to enjoy it versus constantly feeling like I'm failing or that I have to work to maintain what little there is. 

While my reptilian brain is still upset over V's proximity, forcing me to think about the past, I will contend to be okay with that. Because I did myself a huge favor that spring of 2010.

Woke up last Friday feeling more lethargic than usual. Gone to bed late with congested sinuses so I knew I was coming down with something. Everyone's been coming down with something awful, but mine turned out to be merely a head cold. Luckier than most, I suppose, but I spent most of the weekend sleeping and not doing much of what I wanted.

Working from home today, but have not got much done. Feeling panicky about it. 

Did a Girl's Night on Saturday. EK wanted to see The Vow, which looked terrible and I would have normally said no on the basis I didn't want to waste my money on a cheesy chick flick. But ultimately, it's more about spending time with the lady friends, right? This is something I am slowly learning. That it is the opportunity for maintaining and growing friendships than the actual activity that is important. The movie WAS terrible - Rachel McAdams' talent is wasted on shit like this, more Mean Girls-like projects please - but I had a good time with the ladies. 

Also bought a dress at Anthro, originally marked at $200 but scored for $35. The zipper is loose on one side, but easily mendable. The fabric is a great wool/silk blend with a full cotton lining. Very retro. The color is a little suspect - a burnt gold - but SH liked it. As usual, the bust is too lose while just right on the hips. A bargain for $35 but perhaps a waste of $35 since I rarely get to dress up. 

Going to try and rally this work thing.