NVK was the second person I talked to after getting dad and subjecting him to my crying. She immediately told me to go to dinner with her and her friends. Then she paid for dinner which I thought was nice. Tried to get ahold of Lisa since we were originally going to do Sea Salt, then just drinks since it was snowing but she went to bed early.
Slept poorly. Didn't fall asleep until two or so though I was in bed by ten. Dad even sent me an email saying he was looking forward to seeing me next weekend - I was going home to help drive my sister and mom around to do wedding stuff for my sister - and that I'll eventually find someone with a better fit. It was really touching since we don't talk about our emotions that much. We were closer when I was a kid but then I hit puberty and we never really got close again.
Woke up at 7a. Surfed the internet and fell asleep. Dreamt that I was in California with someone who was an amalgamation of MAC and V. We fell in with a group of hippies who were on some bike tour but ended up driving around, which was great for us since neither of us were on bikes. But then MAC/V overdosed on something - weird considering MAC has one drink a week at the most - and when I asked the hippies to help, they were like "We don't like that guy so we don't want to help." So I carried MAC/V on my back to the hospital while being told I was no fun. Great.
Woke up feeling like shit. My sister called and I cried on the phone to her. NVK texted me. Stayed in bed until noonish. Ate some soup and a slice of bread. Put together a kit for Ultimate. Went to ultimate and started out feeling like a champ. But just ran out of energy in the second hour of the game - it was a long game - plus my left quad was hurting. I'm actually surprised I started out so strongly. Even scored a point. The bar was ok; talked with EK for a while but she got there early so left about twenty min after I arrived. So crowded so I couldn't sit with my team. Talked with Alicia and Dan but felt too tired to be upbeat/social. Went alone to the Seward Cafe. There were a lot of flowers there that I eventually realized were for Elyse Stern. Ate half a sandwich and felt sick so I boxed it up and went to the mall to return some things.
I had planned on going to REI to buy hiking boots too since they were having their 20% off sale for members. MAC and I were going to go hiking in California and back up on the North Shore this summer. I was really looking forward to road tripping and doing outdoorsy things with someone. I might as well go hiking anyway. It was pretty up in northern Minnesota. We'd gone with Lisa and her friends to a cabin early March and spent time hanging out and snow-shoeing. That was probably one of the best weekends we had together.
But I got angry and felt like I should buy hiking boots anyway. So I bought some.
Went home and into bed to watch Netflix. Finished Somewhere Between - which follows four girls in the US adopted from China. It was pretty good. Cried. Tried making a braised beef shank for mah jong today. Went and had a drink with Lisa. It felt so good.
Today my sister called me. She and NVK worry about me eating. So she ordered $62 worth of Indian food to have it delivered to me. I love my family and my friends.
This is the first time I've been dumped! V doesn't count since I pried it out and ended it before graduation, but UGH.
You tell me this AFTER meeting your parents (twice), asking me to be your plus one to a wedding, and AFTER I SPENT $500 ON AIRFARE TO TRAVEL WITH YOU? You decide after all of this that "we're not clicking emotionally?" FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU for leading me on and making all my friends really like you and tell me that they wish us the best. Was it too much to ask for someone who was good looking, dressed like a champ, treated his parents well, and was much better than the previous guys I dated?
I know it's not me but having such a shitty reason given makes me feel like it was me.
After JS sent both JP and JM asking me about whether I would return her keys and book last week, I called her from my Google Voice number and laid it into her. I can deal with being ignored, but sending mutual friends to do something that can be done by yourself is terribly juvenile and stresses me out. How many more mutual friends are you going to send to do your work? I told her to stop doing that and called what she was doing "chickenshit" and hung out.
To a certain extent, probably not the best thing I could have done but I remind myself I'm allowed to be angry. Of course almost instantly, I received a text from JS. The first in almost two months. Pretty harsh stuff, like "I've outgrown you" and something about not talking to me because there is nothing nice to say. OK. Sent her an email saying if she wanted her things to ask me, and that talking was still on the table but she wrote something back that was incomprehensible. SO much negativity. Did the following:
1. Unfriended her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and whatever other social media accounts I have? 2. Created an email filter so I don't to see anything from her. Everything gets marked Read and sent to a separate folder
It's helping put me in a good mental space to not deal with someone who projects so much hate. Even though I know I'm a great friend, her words about outgrowing me bother me a lot. It's highly effective but such a fucking stupid thing to say. How old are we? No wonder she has no friends from high school or college. I'm socially awkward but at least I can think of several people I still keep in contact with. And honestly, I can't feel bad if I don't know what I did to offend her.
A lot of that Bad Feeling is coming from my failed friendships with E and S.
Technically Cased Closed, but still processing and getting over the harshness of those words.
I ought to be working on that conference proposal for tomorrow's review at work but whatevs. Had a pretty good weekend, though it was mostly spent with MAC. It's odd to be with someone who's pretty giving, as I'm the one who is the care giver and my partner is the lazy receiver who takes it for granted. Ha. but seriously, it's very nice to be the receiver though I'm still struggling with being gracious instead of panicking and thinking about how I can give back. For example, at United Noodle, I paid for lunch since MAC got drinks last night, but then MAC paid for all the random snacks. I got a little tipsy since I'm still suffering from some viral infection that doesn't manifest in incapacitating illness but persistent malaise and got real PDA-y at Republic last night. EK thought we were cute together and immediately my negativity turned it around as "everyone's said that about every past partner. it's because I make us look cute, dammit!" I hate my mind sometimes.
I spent Thursday night at MAC's since MAC spent Tuesday and Wednesday at mine. Plus, my boss was going to Boston and I wanted to tour the university greenhouses before it closed at 3:30p. Though, after work I had gone to GHS's to watch the Mummy 3 and eat chips and guac. I like hanging out though I had to make it clear I was seeing someone else. I was afraid to approach it initially since I didn't want to lose the one work friend I'd made, but I rather deal with it upfront and the consequences instead of making someone feel like they'd have a chance with me. Funny, the older I get the more I recognize that I'm a catch? GCH is another interesting person I'm glad to have known. On the outside looks average and boring, but really inquisitive and interested in new experiences. I hope we become good friends.
When we woke up Friday, MAC offered to go out and buy croissants at Trung Nam. It was a nice gesture, but I said no since I wanted to be easy-going. Also, it was below zero outside. When we got out of bed, MAC pulled out cereal but then paused and asked if I wanted croissants. Normally I would have refused again, but in a previous conversation with Thuy - who told me that I should accept it when something is offered - I said yes.
While MAC was out scrapping the car and warming it up, I tried to log into the work VPN. The wifi was so awful and my work laptop is so awful, it was a no go. I didn't have a meeting until 10a and it was just a dial-in, so I wasn't too worried. So I just surfed the internets on my phone until MAC returned. Breakfast was shared: one plain croissant, one almond croissant, and a sliced pear with crushed walnuts and honey drizzled on top. NICE JOB, WILL BANG AGAIN! I told MAC my work predicament and was given a UMN password and log-in. That's pretty big, in my book. Then I was driven to the St Paul Student Union. It felt awkward to work and be on campus, but I got over it. After an insipid meeting, I called MAC and got picked up and we were off to the biological greenhouses. Very small, but very nice. MAC has a lot of interests that I don't so it was refreshing to hear someone excited about plants, which I can barely manage to keep alive.
I was back in my home about 1p, but felt so tired even after a full night's rest. So I was pretty useless and ended up taking a lot of naps. Went back over to MAC's around 7:30 to go to a friend's house-warming party. MAC brought spring rolls so I didn't have to worry about bringing stuff as I usually did in the past even for events where I was technically the plus one. SO NICE. It was great though kind of alienating at first since MAC immediately went to jam with some folks in the basement. All bug-geeks and then me in the living room. But we played charades and that was fun and made it less socially awkward for me. We left around 10p. Fooled around and went to bed at 12:30ish.
Had a terrible night of sleep. I was finally getting congested and woke up periodically to find my mouth super dry since I was breathing through my mouth. Also woke up freaking out at the radiators sounding like someone banging on the windows. I moaned and MAC leaned over to calm me down. Had a dream where I found out JS was mad at me because I said something abut her not travelling while DH gave me a one page essay on his trip to Spain. I left the room and came back to JS' office which was totally cleared out, though the printer had something in the tray. It was her outline for a novel about the two of us, though we were hookers at a brothel and I was a total bitch. I was not well-rested in the AM. Went to the Farmer's Market in St Paul so MAC could buy eggs and mushrooms. I bought a small jar of pickled green beans randomly. Left MAC's and headed to BU's place round noon.
Before I left my place Friday, I saw a Facebook post where BU was pretty despondent about his job hunt. I felt bad since I realized I hadn't seen him since he picked me up at the airport because JS was being sketchy. So like pretty much a whole month. I called and made sure he was ok in real life, and offered to get lunch. Picked Las Teresitas since JM liked it, and also invited JM to come along. It was a good hang; good tacos, good company, and I dragged everyone to IKEA so I could buy more candles for my poorly-ventilated apartment. Forgot how much I enjoyed their company though I had to evade questions about my evening plans. I know JS blabbed to JM that I was dating someone, but I don't feel like bringing up too much. Didn't get home until 3p and realized how tired I was. Tried to nap without success and dragged myself out of bed to shower and get to MAC's place by 5 to prepare some dough to make gougeres for a dinner his adviser was hosting.
Made it to MAC's by 5:30. Called earlier to apologize without saying sorry but seemed ok with it. We cooked the pate a choux (pat ah shoe), though MAC did most of the actual cooking of the dough. I was ok with it. Made it to George's by 6:30, started baking round 7 and by 7:30 dinner was about to be served and the gougeres looked great! Made two batches, one plain and one with finely diced prosciutto that MAC had that I dried out in a saute pan. The ones with ham went quicker. I think it's because I piped them out pretty big so they looked more approachable? It was cool, especially since one woman came up to me and asked if they were pão de queijo, which are similar but made with tapioca flour so they are a bit chewier. Brazilian! Her little kid was so cute and kept speaking in Portuguese. It made me realize that I forgot how to speak most of it and that I miss speaking it. It's a pretty language and brought back a lot of memories from the early 2000's. It made me think of R, and of Marcel and Ana Cristina. I didn't see much of Marcel and Ana Cristina after I broke it off with R and that was also around the time that their daughter died. I only read about it after somehow hacking into R's email account (my name was part of the password).
Left George's round 9:30 to go to Uptown and meet up with EK and her crew. I wanted to sleep at my place and we picked up my overnight things at MAC's place. Republic was fucking crowded but EK had wisely reserved a table. Almost made it until midnight but I was tired and the cider I had - MAC bought - was making me cross and congested. It was fun though. EK's boyfriend is extremely entertaining and mostly hangs out with family so it was a lot of family riffing. Frenched MAC with Pop Rocks which was hilarious. But it was nice to sleep at my place.